Q – I can’t be gay, I am married and have kids, that can’t be right surely?
A – How you define your sexuality is up to you. It is true that the fact you are here suggests you may have some doubts, may be questioning your sexuality, and dealing with the challenges of supporting your family during this time of questioning. Most people will look at a guy with kids and assume he is straight. However, there are many fathers part of this group that have come from marriages to women, and have strong healthy relationships with their children.
Q – My husband and I have recently married and adopted a child. Is GFC RVA for us?
A – GFC RVA is for all gay fathers, their partners, their families and their supporters. We have members that have become fathers through marriage to a woman, surrogacy and adoption. We encourage all gay dads to network, socialize, and collaborate with other gay dads. GFC RVA is a group that brings us and our families together to share and exchange information and experiences.
Q – I have always known I am gay but really wanted children. I entered into a relationship with a woman and now I am a father, is this site for me?
A – GFC RVA welcomes all gay dads. Many of our challenges will be the same as we go through fatherhood as gay men. No matter how we become parents whether through a heterosexual relationship, a shared parenting agreement, surrogacy, adoption or otherwise, we are still gay dads doing our best for our kids and somewhere, there has to be a woman involved, we can’t argue with biology!
Q – I am gay and am really worried my children will turn out gay too, can that happen?
A – Yes but no more likely that if you were straight. However, if they know you are gay they are far more likely to accept their own true sexuality rather than hide it like many others, probably you included, have done.
Q – If I have sex with a man, can I pass on anything to my wife?
A – Yes. There is no such thing as ‘safe’ sex. The best any of us can hope for is ‘safer’ sex. Always use a condom for any sexual contact and that does include oral sex. Many sexually transmitted diseases can be caught orally. Contact our partner Health Brigade for more information on sexual health at: www.healthbrigade.org
Q – Is it possible to lust after men yet still love my wife?
A – Yes, the human emotion system is an extremely versatile thing. Just because we discover we are sexually attracted to someone of the same sex, that does not mean that our emotional attachments to those we love has to change. It is quite possible for a 100% gay man to be in love with a woman but it will generally not be the same or as strong as a love that can have for someone of the same sex and certainly not as satisfying sexually.
Q – I know I am gay, I have to get a divorce and leave home, that’s the only way right?
A – No, you don’t. What you and your wife do is make up rules that suit the pair of you and that may well be divorce but you may decide to stay together without sex, even if just for now. Whatever you can get to work for your family is what you should do.
Q – Most gay men, when they leave home lose all contact with their kids right?
A – No, this rarely happens and the courts will not support a claim against a father on the basis that he is gay. Access, as with all separated parents, will change, that is unavoidable. Some gay men even keep custody of the kids. However, you should seek legal counsel for advice on your specific situation.
Q – I really want to meet face to face with other gay dads, can that be arranged if I join your group?
A – There are regular meetings and social events planned each month. All events are published on Meetup.
Please join the GFC RVA Meetup group at: https://www.meetup.com/GFCRVA/
Please also subscribe to the GFC RVA website and indicate your interest to join the private GFC RVA Facebook group.
Q – I know I am attracted to men but want to stay married and just have some fun. Can I join your group and find some other guys to have sex with?
A – No, GFC RVA is not an introduction group, or a sexual hookup group. Any members seeking sex with other members will be addressed. Please see the GFC RVA Core Values for more details on expectations of our members.
Q – How will my children cope if I meet a man and settle down? Can kids adapt to having two dads?
A –The truth is, kids react in equal measure to the amount of love they receive. They really don’t care whether it is two dads, a mom and dad, two moms or any combination of adults. It only becomes a problem if it is allowed to become one. So, make sure all the schools are aware that your child(ren) attend, any social groups or, any other parents. Your child never has to tolerate harrassment and prejudice so look out for it, it is sadly still there.
Q – Should I tell my kids and how do I do so if I decide the time is right?
A – Every situation is different, no one can decide for you as you know your kids better than anyone. Importantly, don’t allow someone else, including their mother, decide for you as it is one of the most personal decisions a man can make. My personal experience and recommendation is that you be honest. Also, do not underestimate a child’s resilience and ability to take this information and have an overwhelming response. They will surprise us.
Q – What do you tell a child about homosexuality? Should I tell my children about Homosexuality?
A - The point is, children WILL hear about it, and if parents don’t address the subject with their children, somebody else – who may not share their views. Address the topic as casually and as directly and age appropriately as possible, experts say. A four year old for example, doesn’t need – or want – to hear the details of homosexual love making any more than she/he needs to hear about the details of heterosexual intercourse. Instead, your first mention of it should take place when your child is five or six – perhaps sooner if your family knows a gay couple – and you might begin by saying that most of the time men fall in love with women and women fall in love with men, but sometimes men love men and women love other women and that’s what people mean by the words gay, lesbian and homosexual. When you speak informally about homosexuality to your child, you illustrate that you are open to questions and that you are the right person to ask even the most difficult ones. For this reason alone, it is wise to be prepared to discuss homosexuality with your child; it is also helpful to familiarize yourself with how much kids can understand at different ages.